The Mosquito Man

A new supervillain emerges from the puddles

Cast of Characters
Ramsey: Middle-aged male.
Giggs: Middle-aged male.

Ramsey and Giggs sit across from each other at an austere cafeteria table. Coffee is served, and there are other empty plates on the table.

RAMSEY: It's called The Mosquito Man. It tells the story of an ordinary man who transforms into a mosquito every night, killing people by injecting them with an untraceable venom.

GIGGS: I don’t see it.

RAMSEY: That’s the point. You can’t see him coming. He’s a tiny, lethal killer.

GIGGS: The Mosquito Man.

RAMSEY: Right.

GIGGS: Does he show up at night? Why at night?

RAMSEY: Because of the heat.

GIGGS: This man can morph into a mosquito and kill people, but he gets flustered by the weather?

RAMSEY: Mosquitoes typically feed at night.

GIGGS: Well, I don’t see it.

RAMSEY: Think about it. People think that danger comes in the shape of a wolf, a vampire, or an octopus, but mosquitoes are the deadliest animals in human history.

GIGGS: Did you say "octopus"?

RAMSEY: I’m afraid of octopi.

GIGGS: And octopi is the plural of...

RAMSEY: One octopus, two octopi, three octopi, four octopi, five octopi. It goes on like that forever.

GIGGS: Like pi.

RAMSEY: But with octopi.

GIGGS: And will this Mosquito Man wear a costume?

RAMSEY: He’ll wear something. It’s one thing to be a serial killer, and it’s yet another thing to be buzzing about with your genitals flopping mid-air.

Ramsey’s phone buzzes. He checks it. Pause.

RAMSEY (CONT’D): Audiences don’t want to see dangling testicles on the big screen.

Ramsey checks phone. Pause.

RAMSEY (CONT’D): Not even if you’re a gonad lover.

GIGGS: I’m confused. Will the Mosquito Man be a miniature winged person with man-like proportions, like Tinker Bell, or an insect with murderous human thoughts?

RAMSEY: Look at you turning into Chief of Mosquito Logistics.

GIGGS: It’s a fair question. If he’s an insect, you don’t need a costume to tell people you are a mosquito. They look at you, they know. And if he’s a small person, where does he keep the poison? He has no beak. He’s just a tiny dude. You see what I mean? These are essential details to consider.

Phone buzzes. Ramsey doesn’t check his phone. Pause.

RAMSEY: I’ll worry about that later.

GIGGS: Maybe it’s best to worry about it now.

RAMSEY: I don’t have to deal with every plot point at once, do I?

Ramsey’s phone buzzes. Checks it. He gets bothered by it.

GIGGS: Everything okay?

RAMSEY: Keep going.

(a beat)

GIGGS: How does he fly?

RAMSEY: Who?

GIGGS: The Mosquito Man.

RAMSEY: What do you mean, how does he fly? With his wings, he flies. Do you think he calls for a fucking cab?

GIGGS: But does he fly cool? Does he fly clumsily? Does his style of flight reveal his innermost spiritual state?

RAMSEY: He flies like a mosquito.

GIGGS: How?

RAMSEY: I don’t know. However you imagine a mosquito should fly.

GIGGS: I still don’t see it.

RAMSEY: Look.

Ramsey stands up and aggressively mimics the flight of a mosquito, then sits down.

RAMSEY (CONT’D): That’s how he fucking flies.

GIGGS: I was imagining something less angry.

RAMSEY: I’m under the general impression that serial killers hold a well-disguised but deeply-seated rage. That’s what makes them so.

GIGGS: Well, yes. Serial killers are people, too, but what if you surprise your audience by going with a jolly and peaceful serial killer... more of a Zen Master serial killer with a sunny disposition? An early riser who likes breakfast and murder.

RAMSEY: A responsible serial killer?

GIGGS: Yeah, a vegan serial killer with years of untouched savings and not too many sweaters in his closet.

RAMSEY: Just the right amount of sweaters.

GIGGS: Yes. The kind of serial killer you want coaching your kid’s soccer team.

RAMSEY: Kid’s soccer plus an ingrained desire to murder.

GIGGS: Which we all have, but channeled correctly, could be very useful in sports.

RAMSEY: And he inspires children to score.

GIGGS: Then he murders them. And one day, he shows up for practice and goes, where are all the children? I said Wednesday at four-thirty, didn’t I? I’m here. I’m ready to coach. What the fuck?

RAMSEY: And where are the kids?

GIGGS: They’re dead, but the Mosquito Man doesn’t remember turning into a mosquito and killing all those kids.

RAMSEY: Of course, he remembers. That’s why he’s angry. I’d even go as far as saying it's the painful days that stick with us the most.

GIGGS: You’re right. I’m sorry.

Ramsey’s phone buzzes.

GIGGS (CONT’D): I think we’ve exhausted the topic. Maybe we should head upstairs.

RAMSEY: (checks phone) Tell me something else.

GIGGS: I think it’s time.

RAMSEY: You must have a movie idea. Seriously, pitch me a movie. It’s my turn to ask you all kinds of impolite questions.

GIGGS: (takes a moment) Okay. This happened to me at Penn Station when I was heading to Boston. Before boarding, I had to go to the bathroom, so I went in to take a piss, and this guy walked in with his nine-year-old daughter. I mean, I’m guessing she was nine, but this was no baby girl. This was the kind of girl that could do long divisions. Anyway, father and daughter walk into the bathroom, and there we are, fifteen, twenty strangers taking a piss. And it’s not like you can suspend your peeing activities until further notice. Streams are flowing, and as the nine-year-old girl enters, we fixate on the yellow tile before us as if we're contemplating a solution for the Middle East despite the room's collective IQ barely reaching eighty-two —and I’m the one elevating the average by at least thirty points. 

Well, it turns out it’s not the daughter who wants to use the bathroom but the father, and he wants to take a shit. Wait. Wait for this one. He takes his daughter into the stall with him, and I hear him say, okay, Sophia, turn around with your nose touching the wall. You don’t want to see Daddy making doo-doo. Note that Sophia is Greek for wisdom, and she’s stuck in a toilet, smelling her father’s shit, with her face pressed against drawings of hairy balls and penises. Meanwhile, people zip up as fast as they can and leave without washing their hands, the dirty fucking rats. And I’m like, what kind of an asshole educates their child to find that sort of situation normal? And why do I have to witness such... you know. Right? I mean, it was really...

RAMSEY: (distracted with the phone) So what did you do?

GIGGS: I zipped up and left.

RAMSEY: That’s your movie idea?

GIGGS: The story comes full circle. When I arrived in South Station, I had to go to the bathroom.

RAMSEY: Again?

GIGGS: I drank too much coffee.

RAMSEY: Didn’t the train have a bathroom?

GIGGS: The point is I went to the bathroom at South Station, and as I was peeing, I noticed behind me a different guy was taking a shit with the door open. And that’s not it. Check this out. While he was taking a shit, he was eating chips.

RAMSEY: Out of a bag?

GIGGS: Yes! How disgusting is that? 

RAMSEY: That's a clear sign this country is falling apart. 

(Pause) 

RAMSEY (CONT’D): That’s not the behavior you expect to find in a first-world country.

GIGGS: Come on. Let’s go upstairs.

RAMSEY: Did you wash your hands?

The phone buzzes, and Giggs grabs it this time. He finally reads the texts that Ramsey had been putting off. From this point on, Giggs changes his demeanor. He’s now clearly pressed for time.

GIGGS: Oh, man. Why didn’t you tell me? Come on, let’s go. Come on. Time’s up.

RAMSEY: I can’t.

GIGGS: I’m not asking you. You need to be with her. That’s all you have to do. Be with her, hold her hand, talk to her. You can read her something from a book if you don’t want to talk, but she must hear your voice...

RAMSEY: How do you know?

GIGGS: This is not about you.

RAMSEY: I can’t do it. What’s the point? I don’t want to go there and do nothing but wait for her to die. I want the doctor to come to me. A surprise is what I want. The unexpected. I want life to tell me: You are wrong, and to prove it, you idiot, here, this gift’s for you. Your wife is going to be okay. Look at her. She’s healthy, she’s fine. She’s not dying.

GIGGS: That’s not going to happen.

(Pause)

RAMSEY: The Mosquito Man needs a love interest, a girl with excellent hand-eye coordination who is deadly to mosquitoes. Still, they fall in love...

GIGGS: That’s a shit idea. The whole movie is a shit idea. It really is. Part of my brain died while listening to you tell me the story about this mosquito serial killer.

RAMSEY: There are far worse movies out there, and they get made.

GIGGS: Listen to me. You will regret not being with your wife when she dies.

RAMSEY: I can’t do it.

GIGGS: You need to say goodbye to her.

RAMSEY: Goodbye.

GIGGS: In person.

RAMSEY: Goodbye.

GIGGS: I’ll help you. Come on, you have to be with her. Trust me. We have to go upstairs now.

Giggs helps RAMSEY get on his feet. They both exit together.

CURTAIN

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